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Ilana

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[Wednesday, February 2003 - 10:52p]
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5 messages on the machine|speak... [beep!]

[Thursday, October 2002 - 10:12p]
my new livejournal is ilanabelladonna
speak... [beep!]

you'll never see the light... who wants to see? [Wednesday, October 2002 - 5:22p]
mm, yes, got the life is on the radio, holy shit i love this song, it makes me so hyper.

yeah. um. english was better today. no mentions of valium or fucking domestic abuse, no dylan telling me he loves me. in fact, i actually understood what we're doing in english. i hate gulliver's travels but it's actually really a little freaky how little politics between then and now have changed. and how much the book really relates to politics and society in general. school was in general ok. well, as ok as school could be. i had another test in music theory, she told me that i'm doing really well. ms. best informed "chamber singers" that we have a gig on the 25th of october. jesus christ, something else is happening on the 25th and i can't fucking remember what... fucker, don't you hate that? i had my seat moved in earth science so i can pay attention better, and i finally fucking understand what we're doing in math. venn diagrams, oh yes oh yes! hahaa, oh i'm smart.

no margie or barbie or felicia in school today! i was so sad... i miss them!

dylan ... dylan dylan dylan... he's coming to my brother's bar mitzvah. oh boy, that's gonna be... bad. ooh, i hope it's good?

i'm going with neil to the village tomorrow to get my dress! ooh shit, yes, i cannot fucking wait.

i took the train today with aaron. oh shit, it's been so long. i got to tell him some stuff, he drew pictures in my notebook. i dunno, even if we don't hang out like we used to, we're still best friends, we always will be. hopefully? yes...

i actually did my math homework tonight.

i'm changing my livejournal username, i'll keep you guys updated when it happens.

now what else is new.Collapse )
2 messages on the machine|speak... [beep!]

[Tuesday, October 2002 - 6:25p]
rrarrrr...

mm yes, so yesterday! school was school-like, nothing big or interesting... i think? i don't quite remember. oh, yes, there was another fire but we didn't get evvacuated. after school i went to rita's house with rita and jamie! they're so freakin' great, oh man, jamie is so fucking funny. rr, yes, we watched sabrina the teenage witch and jamie and i took funny pictures (ooo lala) ... and stuff. and then jamie went home and rita and i watched 7th heaven, and i was cracking up over the fact that simon was wearing silver eyeshadow in, like, the saddest part... holy shit i'm such an insensitive freak ... haha. oh god, though, last night was a hard night for me... it was the thirtieth yesterday, one month anniversiary ... mara. oy vey. i won't even get into that, but rita and dylan know i feel like a horrible person for forgetting. mm... yes, rita and i watched everwood... ephriam is hot hot hott... we got ready in fifteen minutes this morning! and we made it to school on time... rita, i did not turn the alarm off! and i didn't steal your wallet, because, uh, you found it, duh. rita and i bonded really well last night, it was really great, i told her really a lot, i didn't even mean to, i just kept talking and it came out and yeah...

arhh... yes. ok. today now. we woke up, 7 o'clock, her mom drove us to the 7, we got there at, like, 7:50, got on, got off at 8:03, got to school with, like, just enough time to get to class. it was amazing. haha. i... i had a kind of breakdown today, i was freaking out. mr. levin was just making my morning seriously suck. i mean, it's bad enough he announced to the whole fucking class i'm no longer getting an a, but then he had to make a joke about being on antidepressants, i could deal, yeah. but then he's like, "blind devotion ... 'he hits me four times a week but it's ok because i still love him...' " and i totally went beserk. i... oh my god, i dropped my book, and i almost threw my pen at mr. levin, i was so angry. i almost started to cry... ugh, and i was shaking so bad. and then dylan reached over and touched my hand to try to calm me down and i looked at him and he goes, "i love you." oh man, i almost cried there, too. what the fuckkk... i don't even know what to say to that.

after i left english, i kept getting dizzy, so i kinda didn't participate in, like, any class all day. and i fucking hate mr. leurs! I HATE HIM so fucking much, he's like, "blahblah ilana and neil never work..." shut the fuck up asshole.

anyway, after school, i get a call from my mom and... DUH my fucking interview for the movie was today! so i call my mom back and dylan decides to be funny and start, like, making out with me while i'm attempting to talk to my mother on the phone... agh, he started kissing me neck and that makes me absolutely crazy, i don't know how on earth i fucking concentrated on talking to my mother... haha. anyway, i got off the phone with my mom and i called faten and gave the phone to aaron while dylan and i talked about stuff. yeah. we had a conversation about what he said this morning and he was like, "yeah you don't love me. i know by the fact that you won't say it back to me." but then he was like, "you love me, i can see it in your eyes." mmm, ugh i'm so confused with him. he's amazing, but love? we've been together, like, two weeks! ugh... but dylan met my mother, yeah. interesting.

one day, i'm gonna get sick of being a shy piece of shit and i'm gonna kiss felicia. that's all there is to it.

mm yes, so my interview went well... i got a callback for next week!

well, i'm off to go call dylan then take a shower. bye everyone.
1 message on the machine|speak... [beep!]

[Sunday, September 2002 - 10:20p]
so. the whole world knows. but... i have a movie audition! on tuesday! yes yes yes! the role... "SISSY: Leading character as a runaway teenager’: (15-16) still play 13 as well..a bit tall for her age, on the streets, taken care of by Coco, studious, serious, very smart, also a pretty talented performer, sings & dances..(4 scenes + flashbacks)" ... of course, i shall keep you all posted, my fans!

today... today, today, today... i went to the village. what else do i do on sundays? jesus. anyway, i got there at twelve, which was an hour before i was supposed to meet meg and dylan and whoever, so i went to barnes and noble, i got a book, sat down and read a little, then bought the book (fight club), and then walked to claires. on the way, i thought, "hey, why don't i call meg, leave her a message." i call. "hi, where are you?" i ask. "i'm in claires." "really?" so i hung up and walked inside and there she was. we got some stuff in there and then went to wait for dylan. he showed up, eventually, and we went on our... "circuit," for lack of better word, of st. marks. god, we need new places to hang out. anyway, i got more star studs for my bag. then we went over to ricky's and i checked out new hair colors, but i got confused! i didn't know what the fuck i wanted. then dylan made me pick out a bellybutton ring and he bought it for me. then cali called and we went and met cali, felicia, antonio, and hayley on st. marks in sarah's gifts... we went on another circuit of st. marks, and then again headed to ricky's, where this time, we met margie. antonio helped me pick out my next haircolor (turquoise), then we walked outta there. we went to this, like, flea-marketish type place that i always see and never go into. i got a really awesome pair of earrings, they're crystal prismatic cubes and i love them! after that, we went to a pizza place and got pizza, and i amused myself by watching antonio's suffering with ice cubes on his tounge, then we went home. all this took place over a span of five and a half hours.

i saw the most perfect dress in trash and vaudeville. it was perfect. it was sheer black over red, with short sleeves slit up the sides and it had a handkercheif bottom, an if i saw properly, it ties in back. and i am in love. i'm buying it on tuesday.

today was my definition of a "perfect day" ... no stress, all fun, lotta love, friends, boyfriend, girl who i'm obsessed with... yeah, that was the only slightly awkward part... ahem. anyway. being with the people i love made me really happy, but i missed a few important people i love! rita! catt! and i would say aaron but he already knows. and of course faten, but she calls me every half hour so... haha. but seriously, i was so relaxed today, it felt so good just being there with my friends with no pressure to do anything. i wish every day could be like today, floating on air.

one other awkward thing, kinda freaked me out... dylan used that word in context of our relationship and i can't handle that, not yet. i'm so fucking fragile, i'm so fucking stupid. you know? it's like, i know he doesnt really feel ... that way for me, it's only been a few weeks... i will not get dragged into that shit again, i fucking refuse! i can't let that happen to myself ever fucking again. shit.

and i leave you all with this amazing conversation with michelle, my one true love!

Only pretty me: i love you michelle
Misch10: i love u too ilana
Only pretty me: lol i was reading your journal about how you say you love your friends too much and... i dont think you can say it too much
Misch10: :oD really?
Only pretty me: yeah. you never know when you may be really helping a person
Misch10: ::sigh:: Thank u soo much, I actually really needed to hear that.
Only pretty me: like have you ever had a realllly bad day or something and then someone did or said something that made you laugh and it realllly cheered you up?
Misch10: yes! They just knew how to make u smile w/o knoing u were upset.
Misch10: Or when someone says something after "one of those days" and u feel so special and so luved, its the best feeling.
Only pretty me: yess omg you sooo know what i mean
Only pretty me: haha like people won't notice you're upset and tell you something funny and it'll crack you up and it'll feel great or your friend will be like "i saw whatever and i thought of you..."
Misch10: and thats another good feeling...when pple can realte to u
Misch10: YEA!
Misch10: especially that last
Misch10: *last part
Only pretty me: yess... haha oh yess!
Misch10: when the sayting "outta site outta mind" becomes completely wrong and invalid
Misch10: :: sigh again::
Only pretty me: yes
speak... [beep!]

[Sunday, September 2002 - 10:30a]
i caused a fight between mindy and evan last night and i'm glad i did it. even better, evan slept in the living room or mindy did ... hahaha oh yes oh yes.

why am i soooo happy for doing this? what the hell is wrong with me?
1 message on the machine|speak... [beep!]

[Saturday, September 2002 - 11:32p]
so amazingly rediculously funny i had to put it up...Collapse )
speak... [beep!]

[Saturday, September 2002 - 11:25p]
anorexia. bulimia. compulsive overexcercising.
speak... [beep!]

[Saturday, September 2002 - 11:16p]
iL</marquee>an</marque>A</td></table>
speak... [beep!]

[Saturday, September 2002 - 11:09p]
i hate my fucking family. i'm in a bad mood and they're fucking confronting me about fucking everything i'm doing or saying. i hate them i hate them! why can't they leave me the fuck alone? i want to be alone i want to be by myself, without them fucking getting in my face! maybe then i wouldn't be fucked up, maybe then i wouldn't cut myself and be so fucking angry! i hate it i really hate it! i wish they would realize that i'm not fucking five, i'm not gonna do everything they fucking tell me to! i'm "angry," i hate them, i hate them for being restrictive and fucking possessive and for keeping me locked up in a fucking ivory tower! i'm fifteen, i'm not doing anything like fucking people, jesus christ, i'm supposed to have a life that doesn't consist of my walls! leave me the fuck alone every fucking one of them! my father and grace do the same fucking thing, i hate it so muchhh...

die die die.

and then... "i don't want you to cut yourself." my selfdestruction is so none of your buisness. my self-destruction is my self. not you not you not you! go the fuck away.
1 message on the machine|speak... [beep!]

we all want somebody to loovvee... [Saturday, September 2002 - 9:38p]
bryan, where are you? i need to apologize to him for being a bitchhh... it was a long time ago - a week ago- i feel baddd...

i called dylan before, we talked for like an hour. haha, he was telling me about the "rules" of dating - i'm not allowed to make fun of myself but he can make fun of me. yeah, ok.

dan finklestein called... hahaha oh boy. "will you call me?" uh, yeah! it's like i'm the guy at the end of the date. i say i'll call and i never do.

mm, tomorrow, village, marge, rita, meg, maybe antonio, maybe catt, dylan, me. and i wish felicia would come... oh and ashley! she was supposed to fucking callllll me.

i know i'm neglecting all my friends because i'm so preoccupied with dylan, and i feel bad. i feel horrible. i am horrible. i'm a bitch. tomorrow's the 29th. monday's the thirtieth. i will not forget. fuck fuck... june, july, august, september. four months. i cannot forget. goddamnit, why, mara, why.

i wish i could curl up and die.
speak... [beep!]

[Saturday, September 2002 - 3:42p]
why does my brother have to play violent video games? what do people gain by playing violent video games? images of blood, shooting, killing, the want to shoot and kill, "oh damn, i got killed, oh well i get another life." sorry, honey, in real life, you don't get a second chance.

when i was watching marge and duncan walk off yesterday, i was struck by how close they are. you can really tell that he cares about her, it's incredible. it's really sweet too. um, yeah.

tomorrow... village! dylan, antonio, catt, meg, marge, rita, possibly joey... i wish felicia would come. sigh, oh yes.

i love waking up and knowing i got a full night's sleep instead of a few hours worth of sleep. i love this feeling of having energy, of being relaxed.

don't you hate it when you're shaving and you knick your skin, not enough so it bleeds but just enough so it stings? ughh, my knee hurts!

i have earrings to be making, bye lovers.
10 messages on the machine|speak... [beep!]

[Saturday, September 2002 - 11:28a]
right. so i have to call dylan later today. i need to find out who i'm going to the village with. i want antonio and felicia to come, and nilsa and neil, and catt and meg and jamee and marge and rita. but marge isn't talking to meee...

this town is our town, so fucking glamorous.

whatever is wrong with me, i cannot place it. i feel completely blank right now, no emotions whatsoever. i wanna go take another shower. my fifth since thursday, it'll be.

come on, barbie, lets go party!

chachacha i need to get outttt of this house or put all my energy into something creativeeeee...
speak... [beep!]

[Saturday, September 2002 - 11:06a]
dead girls, dead girls burn and twirl
witch hunt
witch cunt, burn this girl.
speak... [beep!]

[Saturday, September 2002 - 11:05a]
does anyone have a fucking livejournal code i could have?

wow. randomness.
speak... [beep!]

[Friday, September 2002 - 10:19p]
oh yes oh yes what an amazing day i had...

woke up early. went to school early. took the train completely by myself. well, until the 7. then got on with vaughn. went to school. saw dylan. catt. people. did english homework. dylan is so distracting. even when he's not around.

we got evvacuated again today. my school has definately set the record for school most evvacuated.

chacha... at lunch, i went over to suejean and we ended up having the most amaaazing conversation. i was completely blown away by how much i could totally relate to everything she said. it's like, she went into my brain and extracted all my thoughts and put them into comprehensible words.

i feel stupid, marge, i feel stupid, you didn't need to see it, i love you. i shouldn't've done it i know i know i know stop stop it! and you're not talking to me...

uuuh. what else. yes! oh yes! dylan and i talked for a really long time today, i felt so good about being able to really tell him stuff. and to know that he trusts me enough to tell me stuff like what he told me. i did almost freak out. momentairily. but... "you're protected," he tells me... is he good for me, good god, yes, yes yes! "i only ask two things of you. love me and talk to me." wow wow he knows my issues with talking to people! ugh, orgasm?

i saw duncan today, unawkward, good.

bye lovvveee.
speak... [beep!]

i dreamed your ego died. [Thursday, September 2002 - 6:11p]
no body but me likes jack off jill. oh well. i kinda figured.

first and foremost, my best friend is a sexy bitch and i swear to god i'm gonna bang him...? but aaron did look hot today. black's a good color for him? and he only wears black... haha.

ooohmygod, everybody download "ugly girl" by jack off jill. DO IT NOW! it's the fucking funniest parody of "barbie girl" by aqua i've ever heard in my life! "i'm an ugly girl, my face makes you hurl..." haha! "you're so ugly you disgust me, boo-hoo-hoo-hoo. you're so ugly you disgust me. oooh oooh..." oh my god, this is hillllarious. "screw you ken!"

now onto the details of my day. i left the house this morning in the dark. it was fucking great. i like leaving when it's still dark because i know that most of the fucking world is still laying in their nice warm beds and here i am laughing at all of them. i did kinda get freaked out when i passed this guy's house and i could hear him cough through the walls... that was amazingly scary because it made me realize that the whole neighborhood can probably hear it when i'm fighting with my mother, when we have our little "screaming matches...." oh well. i saw kristina on the train this morning, i see her a lot. it's pretty awkward because she and i aren't really friends so ... yeah. and then i got on the 7 with irina and we saw the hot guy we saw last week ... ahh ... oh how i miss irina sometimes, the days we took the train together every morning because we would just run into eachother... now i see her or jimmy every morning... haha. umm, i got to school, i was freezing my ass off, i went inside and guess who's in the cafeteria as usual? dylan and catt. haha. they're, like, always there. school school school, boring boring boring... have i mentioned how hard it is for me to concentrate on english class because dylan is right next to me and i wanna kiss him? choir is dead time, phys ed, i'm proud of myself because i did some good workout stuff, i guess the working out has been seriously paying off. maybe one day my fat will melt off and shit, too. lunch today was really funny, justina fake-slapped nilsa and nilsa, like, flew to the floor. it was just about the funniest thing i've ever seen, and while everyone was laughing at nilsa, i fell off my chair. luckily rita was the only person who saw... and rita's mature enough of a person to not laugh at me for stupid stuff like that. i love rita. i may be sleeping at her place monday night because i don't wanna go to the funeral. umm... lets see... other interesting stuff today... umm... oh, right, we got evacuated from school 10th period (again!) ... and of course, we were attempting to take our tests that we never were allowed to hand in yesterday. what kind of shit is that? haha.

dylan and i got to talking today after school... i'm convinced that if he didn't smoke and stuff, he'd be completely perfect. but since that's impossible... ugh. but anyway he told me how happy he is to be with me and stuff and i almost died right on the spot. no one understands ... i get so insecure i get sometimes... i kinda need to know how the person i'm with feels about me, like, constantly, and oh man, he tells me... it's amazing it's wonderful. i swear, i actually got weak in the knees when he kissed me today. i mean, it could've been because i had just been working out but... i dunno. haha. then we got into the whole "i don't know anything about you" thing that i've been kinda insecure about... hey yeah that's between me and him, why am i posting it so the whole fucking world can read it? ooooh yeah, not smart, ilana.

my antenna on my cell phone snapped off... second one i've broken! i've had this phone since, like, i dunno, march? april? may? haha... and i've broken the antenna twice. i have really bad luck with phones... i lost my father's when we saw swing on broadway, i left my first one in sara's car once, i lost mine in school, then i broke the antenna on this one twice! what the fuckkkk! it's a fucking conspiracy! or maybe i'm just really hyper.

so i commented at lunch that i needed a place to stay on monday, and, like, five people automatically were like, "you can stay at my house!" ayy, yes, i am loved so very much!
speak... [beep!]

sew her arms and bleed. [Wednesday, September 2002 - 5:00p]
all's well in hell today.

i got to school at around seven fifteen-ish, with jimmy and jason (i was on the train with them)... when we approached school, i started shaking, because i knew dylan was outside with catt and i didn't want to face dylan because of yesterday, so i kinda approached slowly and shit, unside of what i should be doing. but then he kissed me and whatever and then catt reminded him i needed to talk to him about ... stuff. so i did and he told me to stop being stupid and then we went inside. before we got on the elevator, he stopped me and was like, "are we going out?" yes. "and we're gonna stay going out." right. "so stop being stupid." i'll try. i wish with all my fucking heart and soul i could give a more solid answer than "i'll try" but at the moment it's the best i can do. yeah so then we went up to the cafeteria for a while, then he left to go to lab. catt and i talked for a little while then she went up to class, and i put on my music and zoned until my phone started ringing. guess who. (faten) ... we talked for a little while but i think i hung up or something. later, i made aaron call and leave a message for her. haha. shit, angel.

mr. frisch came in durring vocal ensemble and listened to us singing "in my life." i thought it sounded soooo bad but apparantly he liked it so it was all good. i realized that i haven't talked to ms. miller in sooo long, i kind of miss her.

school was all-over boring. i like school from second til fifth period then i can go home. yeah.

i can't wait for the fucking weekend already. i can stint on sleep allll week, doing stupid shit late into the night and waking up at five in the morning. the weekend is for making up sleep. ok? get it?

i had an earth science test today and i finished it and then two minutes later, the fire alarm went off and they evacuated the building. we got back in and fucking mr. leurs ripped up the tests and told us we were taking them tomorrow. what. the. fuck.

umm, today's my brother's birthday and i'm going to the city with my father in 45 minutes to see a broadway show.

my tooth hurts.

i'm trying so hard not to get, like, really attatched to dylan because i always end up fucked over and i just don't want to go through that shit again. but it's so hard because he's so sweet. but... i barely know him. i think... i think he and i have to have a little chat. i shall do that tomorrow-ish.

i may be meeting up with faten tomorrow.

haha, i love jamie cohen. he was studying for the earth science test and he was making fun of what we were doing by talking in all these accents and shit, it was hilarious. and then we got into this whole conspiracy-theory thing, it was soooo awesome.

devil has a hotrod
devil high on speed
devil has a black dress
sew her arms and bleed
kids sure like the devil these days
and i'm the devil with the black dress on
do you wanna hurt me angel?
because i'm hurting now you're gone.

i had this medely of jack off jill playing in my head. grrr, i want the fucking cd!

kids sure like the... i'm gonna go.
speak... [beep!]

[Tuesday, September 2002 - 10:02p]
here i am writing in my journal again like the dumb fucker i am.

i did my performance, i was ok, i guess. my friend natalie was there. i haven't seen her since encampment. we hung out and made fun of our siblings and their stupid friends, then we walked out to the corner of kent and union turnpike and talked for, like, an hour. it was really cool, except for some reason i was way too hyper for my own good and i kept kicking up my legs and jumping around and stuff, and i kept talking about what happened with him today. i bet she got sick of hearing it but she's such a sweetheart and sooo patient that she'd never tell me ever in a milion years that i was boring her to death. i love how people will just listen to me babble on and don't know that i won't care if they stop listening because, uh, no one ever listens to me anyway! are you realllly reading this? uh uh, i don't think so.

i went to times square today because i didn't feel like going home or something, i ended up in virgin megastore and i bought two cds and i realized bikini kill really sucks but that's ok. i'll give that cd to marge, i think.

joey emailed me with this whole long amazing email and i don't even know what to say to him...
1 message on the machine|speak... [beep!]

everybody's got a little someone to crush but me. [Monday, September 2002 - 10:41p]
i fucking love jack off jill. i dunno, if i run around and scream and shit, i'll get told i'm "acting out" and get sent to extra therapy, or worse, the white hellhole. my mother just doesn't understand that i need to scream and yell. and the fucking doctors don't get that either. "here. seclusion room." fuck you. so this shit is good for me because i can totally scream while listen to music and tell my mother, "i'm just singing along." plus they can express things that i definately can't.

today is the sixth (or is it fifth or seventh?) day in a row i can't get a grasp on what i'm feeling. it feels so weird! i don't know what the hell is going on in my brain and fucking monique is telling me, "yes you do, you just don't want to." fuck you, just 'cause you're a therapist doesn't mean you know what's going on inside my brain. jesus christ, i'm screaming like a fucking banshee in my head. i wish i could just let it all out and run around and scream and shit... i would love to do it in my drama class, run and scream and let it alllll out. kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over, all over me. seriously, it would be the best therapy i ever got, still living in the world and continuing regular life but having a place i could go and let it all out. singing is not a good way to get agressions out. i wish i could take, like, dance class more often or something. because it feels so good, concentrating on something and putting all my emotions into it and fucking getting it all out. this town is our town, so fucking glamourous. i bet you'd live here if you could and be one of us. i mean, i'm a shitty dancer! i admit it, i have no rhythm and i have no grasp on choreography and shit, but it feels good to get it all out. i honestly don't give a fuck what i look like when i dance because i know for sure i suck, but it feels so good to get it out. i'll bask in your forever, fucking waste of time. i don't want to go to therapy anymore because i can't sit down and tell a person how i'm feeling. the closest i've ever gotten to doing that with her was today when i told her about my breakdown over my grandfather.

i realized i'm in the middle of another breakdown right now, a different kind. suck my dick in this town. it's a quieter one, because i have no time to scream and cry and rip things up and destroy myself. i have to be in school and pay attention and be perfect and save the world from fucking everything because people need me and need protection and i'm the one they ask to help them to protect them, because i'm fucking superman, isn't that right? i'm wonderwoman! fuck that fuck that.

i'm pretty angry at zac... the reason he's not talking to catt is what? that she's hanging out with me and dylan? ok, zac, don't blame me for you not wanting to talk to her. you make some pretty stupid excuses. tell the truth, don't blame others. asshole.

i got really creative, i've made, like, five necklaces in the past two days. i started tearing up one of my canvases from the "crazy" painting from breakdown on december 26th. ayy.

i got an a+ on mr. levin's paper! ohhh my gooddd...

fuck you, fuck you, fuck you fuck you fuck you!
i will never make it better, it will always hurt, you fucking asshole!


alright, if i'm ever gonna wake up tomorrow, goodbye love, goodbye.
speak... [beep!]

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